Damnitdenise’s Weblog

My journey and many other thoughts!

My first thoughts are of the time when raising my two sons and all the unlimited energy I had then. Wow, I can’t believe I was so ahead of the times thirty four years ago. I use to pick the fresh fruit from the trees and bushes. I took that fresh fruit and made fruit roll ups in the sun on a screen. What was I thinking? I should have perfected it and then I would have been the first to market fruit rollups…oh, the things I could have and should have done!

The great thing about my life as crazy as it has been, I am still smiling!

I would write more if I had more time to do it. I get up very very early in the morning and get my company computer ready for the day. I drive my car to other towns/cities and work in grocery stores, convience stores and drug stores. I collect data for major companies.

I am excited to write this journal of my life. It will be fun to finally get it in writing.

I had my first son out of wedlock at the weee age of 21. I had been a vegetarian since I was 15 years old. The pregnancy was full of joy and I was very healthy. I worked as a waitress in an Italian restaurant the entire pregnancy. Those times were fun and busy too! I bought my first house after my son was born. He was two months old and I was twenty one. I had some crazy shit happen to me at this time. One morning around 5am a man broke through my front door and grabbed me up. He threw me onto my bed and began to rape me. I struggled at first, and realized it could do me more harm to fight. I gave in to this nut case. This was very frightening and I lived in major fear for quite a long time. Three weeks later, the asshole came back this time disguised with a nylon stocking over his head and a very large coat on. He didn’t get his way this time. The police found him and took him to jail. Nothing much came of it. The plea bargin I made was to not put me through the ordeal in court. He was on probation for a year. He had raped many other girls on the campus of Ball State University. I worked through this episode in my life. I am able to talk about it freely now. I have no emotion towards it.

So, life goes on and on and on….I had wonderful parents and not so wonderful at times. I am sure I was a hard pill to swallow as well.

Sunday mornings…I always loved Sunday mornings when I was raising my sons. I would get up and listen to the Sunday morning jazz show on the radio. I would usually start preparing for a feast for me and my sons or anyone else that wanted to come over to our house and eat. I still enjoy Sunday mornings. I realize it should not be any different than any other day, but it is a day that usual business is not exploding all around you. Today is Sunday, and I still enjoy Sundays. I still listen to some type of music. I watch Breakfast with the Arts and they always have a musical guest.

I know this may sound like just more babbling to some, but it is me being in the moment. I have been living in the moment for quite a long time now. I do visit things in the past from time to time, but I do not stay there very long.

When I was raising my sons I did my very best for what I knew at that time. I knew I had no desire to be like my parents, especially my mother. To this day my sons have disagreements but we are close and they feel “safe” talking to me. I never had that feeling with my mother. I still cannot say what I mean to her without it getting blown up in my face. I know this will not change with her. I have continuously tried to form a different relationship with her, but it isn’t going to change on her end. I have went through many changes in my life and my expectations are void now when it comes to the relationship I have with her. She really does mean well, she doesn’t get it and it is not my job to help her get it. I know she loves her family the best she can and I will simply allow her too.

I am now 49 years old and have my two sons and their daughters. I have been there and back again. I accept them the way they are and their decisions are theirs. This does not mean I will join in with them on this; it simply means I accept them. I can talk to them about how I see this or that, but it is up to them whether or not they want to try it or not. I cannot make them do anything and I won’t. I am grateful for all I have with them. We had some tough times in our lives and we had some not so tough.

I raised my sons to be kind to themselves and taught them many things for survival. We use to go to the woods and walk along the river, and I taught them about plants in the wild and how to know what to eat for survival. They also know how to make something work by process of elimination or by processing the situation. They know how to use tools and how to make a tool to get a job done. I guess you could say my sons have good common sense and know how to use it. I have no worries when it comes to them being able to make it if something catastrophic were to happen. I am grateful for the way I raised them. Things may not be as perfect as I would have liked them to be, but I don’t believe I would do a whole lot any different than I did.

I will continue this story soon. It is just the shell of my life. It isn’t anywhere near the “meat” of my life. I have a difficult time going back, because I am the type of person who moves forward, not backwards.

Monday March 31

Here we are, ready to head into April. This was always an exciting time of year for me. I have lived in the Midwest most of my life. I got excited this time of year because it was time to start growing our food and no more log splitting! I heated our house with wood for five years. It was a lot of hard work, but the bounty was worth it. I had no outrageous heat bills, and the warmth from the wood stove was the best. I use to bake and cook on the wood stove as well. I subscribed to Mother Earth News magazine since I was 15 years old. I still have many of those issues from the seventy’s. I turned a breadbox (the old metal ones) into an oven to bake bread on the wood stove. Yes, I use to make me and my sons bread, never store bought. Ok, back to this time of the year! It was exciting to graph out my garden. I would rotate the crops so the soil would stay balanced and performed companion planting to avoid using any pesticides and to make the flavor of the vegie or fruit be it’s best. Of course many of my plants had already been started in January and filled my back room. I had a marvelous herb garden as well. Self sustainable living has always been attractive to me. I realize now that I allowed too many distractions in my life and this is why I have not accomplished living self sustainable yet! I say yet because I will be there very soon. The distractions will not be there from here on out. It is never too late to do what I have been very passionate about my entire life. I can make a difference and can have a positive effect on others. I can make a living by living the right way. I will have a small homestead that will be totally self sufficient. I can teach others how to make a global difference by example.

I just wanted to add this; I got my avacado tree planted this past weekend and it is doing marvelous. My tomato plant I planted prior to leaving for Indiana (Feb. 2 has 5 tomatoes on it already! I love to grow things, especially myself.

I realize now how I have a tendency to come off as a know it all, but here is the real deal. I do not know it all, but have had such experiences in my life to warrant knowledge about certain things and I am not going to hide from that any longer. I have had many experiences in my life and I do know about things. I will not care about what others think or percieve me as being any longer. It isn’t important to me what others conjure up in their minds about me and their perception of me is not important, I do not “need” or desire any approval. This is one of the largest distractions I have had through the years and a big part of why I am not where I should be by now.

Living life as art requires a readiness to forgive.

I do not mean that you should suffer fools gladly, but rather remember your own shortcomings, and when you encounter another with flaws, don’t be eager to righteously seal yourself away from the offender forever. Take a few breaths and imagine yourself having just committed the action which has set you at odds.

April 4

Getting back to nature. This has been my yearning for a very long time. Just do it damnit! I have journied far and wide and know that my life is what I make it.

http://www.earthship.net/

I had a dream last night or this morning prior to waking. I had a boyfriend, Darryl. I met this guy who was a professional football player and he wanted me to ride off into the fricken sunset with him. I did not want him, I said; No…I will be just comfy with my man Darryl. That was it, that was my dream as dumb as it sounds, it was.

February 24: I had a dream last night that my oldest son hit the lottery and my youngest son had something good happen to him too but I can’t remember. My girlfriend Sandi was in it with us, which doesn’t surprise me…she is positive and she just sent me a cd about money. This is all I remember of the dream, except Lucas didn’t know how he was going to spend the money and didn’t go cash in right away.

I am pretty sure I know why I dreamed something like this. Prior to me and my mom going out to supper last night, I thought to myself; gee, I really would like to have phone calls from my son that were pleasant instead of all this whinnin about how he has lost money.

February 24 was monday…my day begun with a bang…water pipe busted and the joy/b of telling my 76 year old mom. ok, we got through that pretty smooth, just a bit of craziness.

I decided to go lay on my chair out back in the sun for a while. My mom has this black snake that has lived in and around her yard since the early 90’s. She always says; “that black snake won’t bother you or hurt you.” So, I am basking in the sun and not thinking about anything when I feel something tingle on my toe. I sit up and look and there it was, that black snake! He was lickin my fricken toe! I made a noise of some sorts and of course he skidded away. Darryl called soon after that and he ask if I was afraid. I said, well it did startle me, yes. He said, maybe he was trying to kiss you and be friends. “Oh yes, that is what it was, the snake was just wanting to say hello….well at least that seems to be the more comforting approach for me to believe.

I think it is time to name this snake that obviously enjoys living here on moms property. So, if anyone reads this, in the next couple of days let’s have a snake challenge. Best name for the black snake.

smile

I suppose one of the things about me that is not as clear or raw as others working diligently on their process right now is; I have been applying forgiveness for several years now. I have been concentrating on my breath and clearing my mind of continuous thinking. I have told the ones around me how I had been dishonest and down right abusive to them and I released myself from the guilt. It was a very “healing” moment. So, my journey to self honesty has been in place for fifteen to twenty years now. My understanding has been increased to a whole new level, but the process has been in progress.

I read and watch others process and forgive myself for wanting to smack them into “reality” so we can get on with oneness and equality for all (this is serious separation, so my process is still in process). I read others who are so intrigued with “aliens” and all the other “unforseen” things out there in this massive universe, and I just think it is a distraction to them facing their own “shit.” So, I forgive myself for thinking others are constantly diverting themselves with all this “mind” shit instead of working on “their” shit.

The truth of the matter is this; I am happy that all these folks are testing the waters and finding out the{ir} / our truth. I forgive myself for experiencing an emotion of “happy.”

This is a “journey” to oneness and equality and down right responsibility to the planet and the ones who inhabit the earth. We all will get there, sooner or later. My “hope” is sooner. I do forgive myself for allowing the word, or thought of hope to enter my being in anyway.

So, I have been in my process for many years, and there is still shit that kicks me down on some days and I know to apply my action to it. I do fall down and get my knees dirty, but I actually “get it” more when I pick myself up and apply action to myself.

February 20, Thursday 5 a.m. This early morning brings a mixture of thoughts. Most the time, I really don’t think too much, but lately many thoughts and most of them are leaving my body to pay the price. My heart is racing more often, my blood pressure is up and I am downright frustrated with most people around me. It is back to the same ole same ole, my biggest hump to hurdle I guess. No one hears me!

February 23, 2008

Well, it is five days until I load up the car with my mom and her things to return her to Indiana. Five very long days in Denise’s world. It is me! I do get it! I know why she drives my mind into craziness; I am not comfortable with having a person around who needs so much attention. In total honesty; I absolutely despise it. I especially have never enjoyed my mom’s company, so why would anyone think I could “live” under the same roof with her (especially me)? She brings nothing fun to the table. She has always been a worrier; she worries about money (hummm wonder where I’ve been picking that up from), she worries about not locking the door just right, she worries when there is nothing to worry about. No matter what you tell her about, and I mean anything, she always has a remark that “it” is going to turn out “bad.” This is nothing new and has nothing to do with old age, it is the way my mom has always been. Then there is this part of me, sometimes, I will look at her and feel sorry for her. I look at her and worry about her future. She is in the beginning stages of Alshemiers, and she isn’t aware of it, of course. When she gets back to Indiana she is going to be more confused and lonely. She doesn’t know this of course, but she will be. My brother and his wife live a fourth of a mile away and they will not be there for her. Oh, my brother will take some notice. He will take notice of her mental state and get what use to be her attorney to get guardianship of her estate and prepare to put her in a nursing home. So, why should I care about my mother who cannot stand her daughter? That is a question I am searching for the answer to. What is in me that I care about people who do not care about me? Well, probably my mom does care about me in her own twisted way.

This week I am feeling pretty “blue.” I lost a job that was bringing me the money to pay my old debts up and get me out of the nudging feeling of poverty and dependancy on others for shelter. I could not stand the boss, who was by far one of the biggest liars in my life. She really sucked at managing this territory. I was hanging on for a bit longer to get the money I needed. The part that got my goat the most, wasn’t that I lost my job, but she (the boss girl) told her bosses such horrendous lies about me. I felt like running to the stores I serviced and getting them to write letters, etc…but, I am done and moving forward. It just blew my mind into another space because I went above and beyond to kick out work for this bitch. I litterally busted my physical body. I ended up at the doctor’s office with high blood preassure and a migrain for four days. On top of this crap I started a new job that is drooling (physically) and an entire new concept that I have never worked with (in the retail world) before. I am also concerned so to speak with whether or not I am really make much money for this new job I have taken on. Oh, then you will have to hear people say, “oh, be grateful you have a job.” Right….You know, these days a little laughter goes a real long way.

So, back to leaving to return mom home to Indiana. I have been informed by my now disconnected youngest son, that I will not be seeing him or my first born grand daughter while I am home in Indiana. I am doing my best to not think about this. When I do think about it, I tell myself this is how it is and it will not always be this way. My heart still aches, no matter what anyone says. My son and I were always so damn close, he use to call me constantly just to talk. When I was at Darryl’s living, he use to call and Darryl would make a joke about it, but this is how it always has been. My sons and I have always been a tight knit threesome. My youngest whom I am talking about was always the one who never made dumb decisions. He has made some pretty bizarre ones (of course this is just my opinion) the last year and a half. They are getting crazier by the day. I am not as worried about him as before because I know there is nothing I can do for him. I know if something happens to him I will deal with that something. I just want to see my little girl (his daughter). I will have to settle for what it is. I will get to hug and kiss my other little girl and that is a fun thought. I look forward to hangin with my other son and his girlfriend and baby. I hear her in the background when I am on the phone with them and she is growing so fast. Her vocabulary is strong for only two years old.

This trip back to Indiana is also going to bring me the opportunity to see Darryl. My “distant” boilyfriend. He and I have not laid eyes on each other since July of last year. Wow, that is a long time, seven months as a matter of fact. We talk every day at least once on the phone. We are both involved with a forum of folks called Destini. I have been a little more evasive lately. It is my process. Darryl does piss me off at times. He only hears a word or two, and not the whole “thing” I tell him. The part that pisses me off is that he ask me something and then when I try to tell him he doesn’t “hear” me or he changes the entire meaning of the story. Ok, let’s do a for instance; say I tell him, “I came back from my drive today and my mom gave me a house key. She also stated that we would have to put the padlock on the outside door of the Lanai when we leave for Indiana. She also states that there is only one key and she would be taking it with her; in other words, I would not be able to go out or in the front entrance. I tell her; I will be here living so why do we have to lock it? Her response is; “because that is what dad always did, and he said they had to.” *my paw has been dead for two and a half years now. I tried to explain to her that I would be here and I would like to have access to the front just if I wanted to. So, I am doing my best to tell Darryl this itty bitty story and the connection to the difficulty of living with my mom. He just didn’t hear it or get it. He starts rambling on about some shit to take advantage of my brother, blah blah blah….then we get into a “disagreement” about everything else from there on out. The other thing that aggravates me with Darryl is; when I ask him a question, he answers it with a question. He avoids the question. His presumptions of my reactions pisses me off too. Just be honest dammit. That is all that is necessary. OK, so I may be getting a bit of anxiety towards this trip to Indiana.

I forgive myself for allowing my mind so much power over me.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel anything.

Everything is going to be fine, and I know this. Life has a funny way of exposing shit to oneself.

March 24

Ok this morning I have had this constant urging inside of me to write about my “agreements” with another. How could this person hold to any agreements when they cannot be honest with themselves? They simply can’t! What seems to be bothering me the most is the fact that this person is very good with “writing” words on a page but horrible at speaking. They wrote another story about their experience in the past this morning or late last night, and this is exactly what they are about; living in the past. The most outrageous part of their perception of their past is they are lying about that as well. They portray this picture they wish they had, but it is not the truth. Geez if they can’t tell the truth about the past than they can’t see the present clearly and this is a serious mindfuck. They have all these hidden agendas as well. Their ego is large, and they seem to not realize it. Oh, I can hear his squelching voice that I so often cringed at, … yikes!

Ok…I really need to do this…

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I should be the person to expose the true nature of another human being.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue hearing the words spoke from a particular human being that I am the truth for another persons process.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feelings of joy that I am now free of that trap I felt I was in and the feelings of being stifled by them in regards to my process and expressing myself freely.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue in that “relationship” for as long as I did.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think we could walk hand in hand along the same path and be one with each other.

more to come….

March 26

Truth: Oh what a word! This is exactly the word that will catch people up in their shit, that is “bullshit.” How many people claim to live by the truth, but are only lying to themselves? I have seen this through the years, I have even experienced it. Twisted minds tell no lies? Yes they do, and there are millions out there who are twisted and do not know it. Sugar coat this, sugar coat that, and in the mean time throw blame onto something else outside of them.

Here is the truth; I really would like to sit in front of the computer all day reading and writing about “stuff,” but I have to lug a computer around my waist and bend and stretch to make a dollar. So, more to come….*when my tired ass has time and energy!

 March 28

Today I watched my tree of life video on youtube. It was very profound today because I am the one who needs to be nurtured. I am all I have and all I will ever have.

So many times in my life I come to this cross road, do I go left or do I go right? Neither. I stand up for myself and stay present. I am not very good at expressing myself in writing or speaking. Many times I know what I know and cannot put it into words. So often people do not understand what I am trying to say or they simply misunderstand me. So, what can I do to be able to express myself more clearly? Be direct. Ok, for those of you who wonder what is going on with me? I will tell you directly….I did give a shit a week ago as to “others” fully being honest and peeling off the superficial layers of self. But, without any doubt, I am soooo over that. It is about me. I do not care what anyone thinks about me. I am not here or there to please anyone. I am here for me. It is funny how many others feel the need and actually try to call me out about something and when I do this, well, let’s just say many comments come in the way of; “you are not being honest, blah blah blah.”

 March 31

I do not see any point in defending myself to anyone anylonger. Forgiveness can be placed in many forms of effectiveness. How sincere one is is very important to have the “effect” on your life.

Here is the final paragraph in Maya Angelou’s book “Wouldn’t Take Nothing For My Journey Now.” This is under the chapter titled “Style:” “Falling into an entanglement with brutes will usually result in nothing more conclusive than a stimulated nervous system and an upset digestive tract.”

I am no different than you or you or you!

April 1

Why have I always thought April’s fools was soo fun? I use to get my oldest son especially with an April’s fools joke. Last year I got him and Darryl and my youngest. I just seem to get a silly kick out of it. Maybe this year I will get my sons and maybe I won’t.

So, another month has arrived. I am selling my Kayaks on ebay this week and they are doing better than I had expected. I have to go to work today and it is getting harder and harder for me to go. Carrying that computer around my waist is killin my back and I feel as if I am wasting precious time…*smile… So, it appears that there is some forgiveness needed. I am doing it as I type.

I am contemplating starting a new blog. The new blog will be for the new me or the authentic me! I am considering writing about plants, herbs, earth friendly shelters, bartering, raising animals, and the new approach to homesteading in America. I am getting past the “DamnitDenise” phrase. It just doesn’t fit me any longer. The new blog is going to be more about “solution” to “things.” Things we can do to change the way we live. Of course it would be wonderful to have solution to all the ills of the earth. One of the biggest haunts I have is how to reach the very poor ones. This is what I believe is the root to many things. Child abuse and murder and rape are very connected to poverty. I know I do not have the solution or the answer, but possibly there is something I can do to help. It just baffles me when I think about how many poor people are living in America (the world too) when it is not necessary. I realize there are many individuals and groups trying to make a difference in peoples lives, but what about the self empowerment? Building a family a home is a marvelous task, but do those families have the tools to maintain that home? I believe all things lead back to self worth. The core of all things! I would so much love to see a shift in peoples lives take place.

There are so many variables in the world to keep people confused and off track. I have no desire to participate within this confusion any longer. I do not “want” (for lack of a better word) to participate in judgement of one another. I realize I am doing that by writing this. I see no use for putting people under the microscope for this or that, they will work it out in their own time and by process. My core is not going to be anothers at this particular moment; however, it may be in another moment. The only factor in age is the fact that one may not have a clue as to what another has or is going through due to the difference in age. A person who has already experienced a situation could be helpful for one who is experiencing a situation now. I believe everyone has the same “stuff” but they just experience it at a different stage in their lives, and sometimes they experience it at the same time. I for one have already been through the years of raising children, and now have grand children. How can I not know about something that a twenty year old is experiencing? I was twenty and have a twenty seven (almost 2 year old and a 22 year old. It is what it is. I am living my life, not just writing all day about it. Too much confronting and not enough living.

I have made a decision to not participate on the forum for now. The folks at desteni have been very very helpful at putting me in touch with me, and I truly dig the work they are doing for themselves and others. They are really working hard over there. The decision came after a post Adele had made about her forgiveness about not “wanting” to post any response to some folks. I decided right then and there that I had no desire to make anyone uncomfortable and did not want to be the one to interfer with anothers process. I appreciate what people are doing with their lives and this is important to me to allow freedom to all persons and their personal process and freedom to me to express myself. I am not into confrontation continuously and that is what was happening with me and others. There seemed to be what was good for some was not good for others, and this is not appealing to me. I feel that everyone deserves a break and are allowed to fuck up. The focus has to be on me for me to be any good to anyone, including myself.

There is a company that was started by two guys and they have a motto I really love. Their motto is; “do what you love and love what you do.” This is my desire for all persons in this world. I love life as tough as it is and am grateful for all my experiences.

April 2

I don’t have much to talk about this morning. I am at conflict about the job I do for money. I will not quit my job until I have another. It is time to do what I love instead of working for the dollar. Since moving to Florida, I have had three jobs. I took the first job on just to have a job. I started out at $8 and hour and then I went to $10 and now I am at $12! That isn’t too bad, it didn’t take me a year to get there. I have been investigating sources to become self sufficient and that is my next step. It will come together in time. I know this.

lol….not that profound, now is it? I do enjoy writing for me.  lol…. As for the statement I made a couple days ago about age…I have found in my lifetime that I have learned much from my sons while they were growing up. I think a person should be open to all experiences they encounter and this is one area where age is not a factor. enjoy!

 It is not important what I am writing about. It is important to me as to what I am living.

April 3

The living word…..so, we should pay attention to who is writing what and how that intertwines into “their” life (especially our own words). I am not writing outside of self, I am taking it all in. The truth shall set you free! Great words! I am writing about stuff that is dear to me and close to my heart. I read some blogs and the title’s do not match up with the body of the blog. How interesting it is that some will constantly look outside of themselves and write about it and constantly judge…very confusing because the blog title is about oneness and equality..oh well I guess some day they will “get it.” Then I read others and they are very much trying to figure this complexity of life out. Those blogs are very inspiring to me. I really enjoyed reading most of the post at desteni, and I do miss it sometimes. It isn’t a huge void by any means. It actually has freed me up to read other things I had put aside. I have a few very cool friends who enjoy talking about the “meaning” of life and they do not waste time degrading each other and judging the piss out of people. They actually laugh!

Yesterday my youngest grand daughter went to day care for the first time. So fun to hear about her new experience and how she did. Ah the joy of youth! She loved it, and had lots of fun playing with other little people. I am grateful for having children and grandchildren. It makes life more interesting. The new words these wee ones learn and how to use them. very cool to have them share this with me…and want to!

There is a saying; You are who you hang with! Better than that one is; you know a person by what they eat! I am ready for a good hearty lunch of red beans and rice…yum…tomorrow night I am going to go hang with some wonderful folks up in the Tampa area. I am sure we will dine on some good cuban food and possibly partake in a cuban beer! A good beer and a cigarette along with marvelous company will be quite the welcome from being alone all the time in a sleepy town. I don’t know a whole lot of folks here. The ones I have met are definitely the salt of the earth types, which isn’t bad company at all. So, I look forward to tomorrow evening dining and conversation. They have a few people they wish for me to meet, should be fun. This is part of my process, processing people. places and bringing ideas to the table of life. It is good to connect and accept others for what they have learned through their journey’s. I do not turn my nose up at people, I wasn’t always that way. I believe by accepting others you learn to accept and understand yourself more. This doesn’t mean I would hang with just anyone, oh no…however, you just never know who or what you will run into that could springboard you to where you are heading…

April 4

Ho Hum….my kayak auction ends tonight and there have been almost 1200 folks look at this auction. I have never sold anything on ebay that has had that many folks look at it. Very cool!

I really don’t have a whole lot to talk about today. I am heading north to Tampa Bay this afternoon and that will be a nice break.

The thing about my friends that makes them true friends is this; they actually like me! When it comes to constant confrontation and having to defend self, well you know they aren’t your friend. I do not have this with my friends. We enjoy each others company….and we encourage each other to rise above the thoughts our minds create. It is authentic support!

April 5

So I didn’t get to go hang with my friends as planned. I sold the kayaks on ebay and the guy who bought them wants to come pick them up early. We will have to make new plans for our get together.

I did talk with Darryl last night and today. He’s like a rash that doesn’t go away…LOL…It was a good talk and some good chuckles too! We’ll see where it goes from here.  I don’t have a whole lot to say today, just a lazy day for me.

April 8

This morning I am getting ready for work, slowly. I have thought all night long about another friend of my oldest son. He took his own life Thursday in Malibu CA. This was one of many friends my son has lost. Yesterday evening I started to make a list of all the friends Lucas has lost, and I have to tell you, it was too painful for me to continue. This friends name is James Matthew Kelsey Stone, and he was a mere 29 years old. Self inflicted gun shot wound, lethal. This was one of the happiest friends Lucas had. Matt as we called him, was a jokester and full of adventure. If he wanted to live in Florida, Matt went and lived in Florida for quite a few years. When he decided to go to Malibu, he went. I always enjoyed Matt, even when he acted strange! I feel bad for my son. He just doesn’t understand and that is understandable, because I do not either. My thoughts go out to Matts mom. We use to sit together at the ballfield while our youngest sons played on the same team for several years. Which brings me to thinking about Matt’s little brother Nick. Nick was married and had a baby girl. Nick got a divorce and the new boyfriend to his ex wife killed Nick’s baby girl. Nick had to fly out to California to gather his brothers belongings this weekend. My heart goes out to Nick and his mom. I hope they find some peace in their troubled lives. I really wish I could be home for my son at this time. I feel that need like never before. Will he be able to weather this storm alone? Sure he will, but family is family and we should be there for each other. I am there in spirit, but not physically there.

Seekers of truth! Isn’t this the case since the beginning of time? Be very careful what you hold onto, it may be disquised as the truth and the only truth. This has been heavy on my mind as well. Maybe when a young man takes his own life, it would conjure these thoughts.

April 12

They buried my son’s friend yesterday. Who enjoys funerals? No one enjoys burying a friend. So he and another friend took off for Louisville Kentucky. In the states here people love the derby. Horses running around a track for rich folk to bet big money on while wearing big hats! Which brings me to thinking about a very special person I knew. Mr. Mattingly; he loved the derby! He was one of those rare people you may meet in your life. This guy was so smart and kind. I never heard a bad word about another come from his lips. He embraced life and lived it to his heart desire no matter how many walls were placed in front of him. Hats off to Mr. Mattingly wherever you reside you must of known the secret to life!

April 20

Many things are flowing through my mind this morning. I am supposed to be packing my car with some of my things to go back to Indiana to help my mom have a better life. Since she has left Florida she has been forgetting things like phone numbers and getting very upset with herself. So, I am the one who is willing to help her without taking away her rights. The reason I haven’t taken off yet is because I dread the drive back. It takes between 19 and 24 hours depending on how much you drive. The other reason I haven’t left is because I am not sure what I should leave behind here in Florida. I will get this all wrapped up today.

So my oldest son had to go to the funeral home again yesterday. His grandmother died. He wasn’t close to her, but he and I and the grand daughter did have a great visit with her this past fall. She did not care for me much back in the day (like 30 years ago), but we did have the chance to bury the hatchet and enjoy some laughter this past year. She will be very much missed by her family.

Yesterday stirred up some “stuff” in me. I got into an argument with Darryl and he said some pretty nasty shit to me. I will touch on that in a moment.

I watched the Planet Earth series on Discovery yesterday and it really made sense to me. I remember things I had studied a couple of years ago in my Geology class. I was going to college again and attempting to get my business degree. I almost made it before my mom got seriously ill in the hospital. Anyways, back to my class and the show. The earth has gone through many changes through the billions of years it has existed. The continents have been one massive land mass a couple of times. They have been torn apart by the earth’s plate tonics. It is only a matter of time before changes from the core of the earth make the life existence radically change again. I believe it will not happen for thousands of years. But, to see how the microorganisms have evolved and changed was very interesting. Just because man has evolved and gotten smarter doesn’t mean the end is near. We are not as powerful as we think we are. I really think many men and women should be more informed in their decisions about life on planet earth. They just pull shit from uninformed sources without researching the factual information that many have studied their entire lives. Peer reviewed articles and film is the best place to start.

So, back to Darryl and his verbal weapons of self defense. He made some very brutish statements yesterday. If it is true (and I for one believe it is) that what others say to you is really how they see themselves, well we all have a lot of work to do. So Darryl my hat goes off to you! Thank you for pointing out to me some obvious traits of mine that I should be conscious about. There are a couple of things he said that were absolutely not me; however, they might be some statements he should pay attention to. One of those statements were; “you only do stuff for others because you expect them to do something for you.” Wow, this is not true. I have been down that road before and did some serious self awareness and work on that one. Maybe he should look at himself about that one. I know who I am and this just isn’t so. I do not do for others with the expectation of getting something in return. I do for others because I want to at the time. I may not always be able to help someone, but when I can I do because I want to. One of the other statements he made was, “you just pulled words from you hip (or maybe it was ass) and have no clue/idea what you are saying.” Here we go again; maybe he should think about his words and how it throws those daggers at people. I do understand life a little more than what he realizes. I do know what I want in this lifetime and I will get there eventually. For now, my path is leading me to nurture my mom and at the same time I will definitely be nurturing myself. Life is not the destination. Life is the journey! If you cannot say something nice to someone than don’t say anything. If you do say something to someone; then look at yourself and see what is in you that you would have a reason to say this to another. This would surely make your life more content and equal to others. cheerios!

 Friday June 11, 2008

Well, I was just relaxing here at my sons home and thinking about life/process. It’s has always been a process in progress. Does one really not process their lives? I know I do. I enjoy me and I am constant no matter who I am around and no matter what I am doing. Oh believe me, there have been moments in my life that I forget the meaning of it all and want to poof into a billowing cloud of smoke! With so many people and so many personalities keeping yourself “checked” can be a challenge at times. But, I retreat back into “no mind,” and things are just fine.

I think of Darryl some days more than others. I am sure he is doing fine. I miss our friendship though. That was the cool part about he and I. We were friends. We laughed. Often.

smile….

I don’t have alot of time this morning to write much, however; I have one quick thought to put out there. Who is gonna make it in their process to oneness and equality? Everyone can!

more to come….

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that something terrible has happened to my son Miles.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of losing my son Miles.

This fear is not real and I am allowing it to take up much of my mind the last two days. I push it out and it doesn’t leave. The mind is so powerful. I fear that I am allowing myself to have separation and I have some serious forgiveness to do with this “concept.”

Children….we can allow them to give us an enormous amount of joy or sorrow. So forgiveness with feelings is certainly necessary as well.

I will take many deep breaths today and take in the life I have. Feelings of anything is not serving me well or the rest of humanity.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am failing myself in directing my life accordingly to my belief system.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel anything.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feelings of anything.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think I am not effective in my process of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed by my mind, instead of me expressing me.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I am of no use to others.

If this is not specific enough, then I forgive myself for thinking I am not specific enough. I forgive myself for all the hurt I have caused myself in my process to living life with intention and purpose.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I am going to be judge by anyone who reads this.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe this blog is going to help me with my process.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I have been a horrible mother, friend, and all things to all the people I have come into contact with.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe we are all preprogrammed.

I forgive myself for allowing myself that everything and everyone has a purpose. The bird has a purpose, the shit has a purpose, and the seed has a purpose and this is what makes the world go around.

I forgive myself for allowing myself any fear of anything. That fear has control over me.

This morning I contemplate living in this world and not of this world. Since I can remember, I have always felt like I was part of nature, not superior, but part of it. I always had a connection to the flow of nature. No limitations.

For many years were lost to the mind construct. I am sure this would happen to most who withstood a mother who was totally consumed with the way a person should look, act and smell. My mother could not help it then as she cannot help it now. She is stuck in the quicksand of her brain. I am grateful I am not. I can see the difference is obvious, she was born in 1931 to a family of dis-function. I was born in 1958 to a family of dis-function. So, what is the difference? That is a great question to ponder, was it due to the media influence of the times? I think it has much to do with it…but, who was struck harder by the system? My mom had more shit happen to her than I ever had. I did not have a relative that molested me, I did not have the responsibility of caring for a sick mom in bed all the time, I did not have to worry as a child. I just had to endure my mothers unhappiness. She really meant well, but just didn’t know better. She seen life change dramatically, i.e. horses to cars, radio listening to television, and on through the years. Oh, and don’t forget the whole fifties when life in the US was seriously corrupted.

So, back to nature….ahhhh a sweet sigh. I love how the dirt smells. I love the way the sky looks no matter what kind of weather it is. I love to watch the animals at play, and work (gawd they make work look so easy, is that the secret?). I love the way the light from the sun looks on any day. I love to watch the water, it flows with ease, it has a sparkle to it and the sound of water is magnificent. I love the sound of rain, and the smell too! I love the way the ground feels on the bottom of my bare feet, grass, dirt, sand, etc… . I love to watch innocent children, doing anything….they remind me of innocence and no mind screw job, and very natural like the rest of nature. These are the things I love, and what brings me back to my breath. It is so natural to just breath, nothing else.

I have always talked to the ancient ones, rocks and trees…I have always known there were little Fae at play (I talk to them too). So, being in this world isn’t all that bad, yeah things are pretty fucked up in this world, but I still see a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Oh, call me a dreamer, that is fine. I have no mind to anyone calling me anything….well maybe one person or two. I will let go of that soon.

Have a beautiful day!

Edward Robert Hughes (1851-1914)

Shows a young girl with a flute surrounded by fairies with lights.  She wears a wreath of flower in her hair.  The fairies all have wings.  They look a little bit like cherubs.  In the distance is a woods.  Wonderful image.

So, it is almost four a.m. and I have to wake up… I have a long and busy day ahead of me and it doesn’t consist of me sittin on my butt in front of a computer. You see, I go into grocery stores, talk to a receiver who receives all that shit everyone buys, and we check in product for this company I work for. The thing about my new job is this, i get to play with the little toys and i get to move around all the old people shopping. sometimes, I talk to them and help them find what they are looking for. My job helps me to keep my mind clear of thinking about “stuff” that pisses me off….and stuff that doesn’t.

I have been journaling for several years and much of my personal mountains have been worked out by now, oh, I still have a couple to climb, but for the most part I have dealt with my demons. When I read some of the post of my fellow “destinians,” and it brings up some things in me, which is a good thing. This is how I know where I am and where I have gone is not much different than the majority of humans. and so it is….I am conscious of life on planet earth.

Well folks, as boring as it is, that is all for now!

 Fairies …a midsummer night’s dream

Oberon, Titania and Puck by William Blake, c.1785