My journey and many other thoughts!

My first thoughts are of the time when raising my two sons and all the unlimited energy I had then. Wow, I can’t believe I was so ahead of the times thirty four years ago. I use to pick the fresh fruit from the trees and bushes. I took that fresh fruit and made fruit roll ups in the sun on a screen. What was I thinking? I should have perfected it and then I would have been the first to market fruit rollups…oh, the things I could have and should have done!

The great thing about my life as crazy as it has been, I am still smiling!

I would write more if I had more time to do it. I get up very very early in the morning and get my company computer ready for the day. I drive my car to other towns/cities and work in grocery stores, convience stores and drug stores. I collect data for major companies.

I am excited to write this journal of my life. It will be fun to finally get it in writing.

I had my first son out of wedlock at the weee age of 21. I had been a vegetarian since I was 15 years old. The pregnancy was full of joy and I was very healthy. I worked as a waitress in an Italian restaurant the entire pregnancy. Those times were fun and busy too! I bought my first house after my son was born. He was two months old and I was twenty one. I had some crazy shit happen to me at this time. One morning around 5am a man broke through my front door and grabbed me up. He threw me onto my bed and began to rape me. I struggled at first, and realized it could do me more harm to fight. I gave in to this nut case. This was very frightening and I lived in major fear for quite a long time. Three weeks later, the asshole came back this time disguised with a nylon stocking over his head and a very large coat on. He didn’t get his way this time. The police found him and took him to jail. Nothing much came of it. The plea bargin I made was to not put me through the ordeal in court. He was on probation for a year. He had raped many other girls on the campus of Ball State University. I worked through this episode in my life. I am able to talk about it freely now. I have no emotion towards it.

So, life goes on and on and on….I had wonderful parents and not so wonderful at times. I am sure I was a hard pill to swallow as well.

Sunday mornings…I always loved Sunday mornings when I was raising my sons. I would get up and listen to the Sunday morning jazz show on the radio. I would usually start preparing for a feast for me and my sons or anyone else that wanted to come over to our house and eat. I still enjoy Sunday mornings. I realize it should not be any different than any other day, but it is a day that usual business is not exploding all around you. Today is Sunday, and I still enjoy Sundays. I still listen to some type of music. I watch Breakfast with the Arts and they always have a musical guest.

I know this may sound like just more babbling to some, but it is me being in the moment. I have been living in the moment for quite a long time now. I do visit things in the past from time to time, but I do not stay there very long.

When I was raising my sons I did my very best for what I knew at that time. I knew I had no desire to be like my parents, especially my mother. To this day my sons have disagreements but we are close and they feel “safe” talking to me. I never had that feeling with my mother. I still cannot say what I mean to her without it getting blown up in my face. I know this will not change with her. I have continuously tried to form a different relationship with her, but it isn’t going to change on her end. I have went through many changes in my life and my expectations are void now when it comes to the relationship I have with her. She really does mean well, she doesn’t get it and it is not my job to help her get it. I know she loves her family the best she can and I will simply allow her too.

I am now 49 years old and have my two sons and their daughters. I have been there and back again. I accept them the way they are and their decisions are theirs. This does not mean I will join in with them on this; it simply means I accept them. I can talk to them about how I see this or that, but it is up to them whether or not they want to try it or not. I cannot make them do anything and I won’t. I am grateful for all I have with them. We had some tough times in our lives and we had some not so tough.

I raised my sons to be kind to themselves and taught them many things for survival. We use to go to the woods and walk along the river, and I taught them about plants in the wild and how to know what to eat for survival. They also know how to make something work by process of elimination or by processing the situation. They know how to use tools and how to make a tool to get a job done. I guess you could say my sons have good common sense and know how to use it. I have no worries when it comes to them being able to make it if something catastrophic were to happen. I am grateful for the way I raised them. Things may not be as perfect as I would have liked them to be, but I don’t believe I would do a whole lot any different than I did.

I will continue this story soon. It is just the shell of my life. It isn’t anywhere near the “meat” of my life. I have a difficult time going back, because I am the type of person who moves forward, not backwards.

Monday March 31

Here we are, ready to head into April. This was always an exciting time of year for me. I have lived in the Midwest most of my life. I got excited this time of year because it was time to start growing our food and no more log splitting! I heated our house with wood for five years. It was a lot of hard work, but the bounty was worth it. I had no outrageous heat bills, and the warmth from the wood stove was the best. I use to bake and cook on the wood stove as well. I subscribed to Mother Earth News magazine since I was 15 years old. I still have many of those issues from the seventy’s. I turned a breadbox (the old metal ones) into an oven to bake bread on the wood stove. Yes, I use to make me and my sons bread, never store bought. Ok, back to this time of the year! It was exciting to graph out my garden. I would rotate the crops so the soil would stay balanced and performed companion planting to avoid using any pesticides and to make the flavor of the vegie or fruit be it’s best. Of course many of my plants had already been started in January and filled my back room. I had a marvelous herb garden as well. Self sustainable living has always been attractive to me. I realize now that I allowed too many distractions in my life and this is why I have not accomplished living self sustainable yet! I say yet because I will be there very soon. The distractions will not be there from here on out. It is never too late to do what I have been very passionate about my entire life. I can make a difference and can have a positive effect on others. I can make a living by living the right way. I will have a small homestead that will be totally self sufficient. I can teach others how to make a global difference by example.

I just wanted to add this; I got my avacado tree planted this past weekend and it is doing marvelous. My tomato plant I planted prior to leaving for Indiana (Feb. 28) has 5 tomatoes on it already! I love to grow things, especially myself.

I realize now how I have a tendency to come off as a know it all, but here is the real deal. I do not know it all, but have had such experiences in my life to warrant knowledge about certain things and I am not going to hide from that any longer. I have had many experiences in my life and I do know about things. I will not care about what others think or percieve me as being any longer. It isn’t important to me what others conjure up in their minds about me and their perception of me is not important, I do not “need” or desire any approval. This is one of the largest distractions I have had through the years and a big part of why I am not where I should be by now.

Living life as art requires a readiness to forgive.

I do not mean that you should suffer fools gladly, but rather remember your own shortcomings, and when you encounter another with flaws, don’t be eager to righteously seal yourself away from the offender forever. Take a few breaths and imagine yourself having just committed the action which has set you at odds.

April 4

Getting back to nature. This has been my yearning for a very long time. Just do it damnit! I have journied far and wide and know that my life is what I make it.